Wednesday, April 28, 2010

This is beautiful, This is art.

"I Hope I'm Dead By The Time You Read This" - Pig Destroyer

Today is Wednesday, April 28th 2010.

I woke up this cold dark morning with drips of cold peaceful water calmly dropping from the sky, I enjoy this cold dark morning more and more from every drop of rain hitting the roof of this shack. Knowing that every single rain drop is a story of pain and grief of every single soul that cries out for help that will never be heard.

Walking down this dark path that I'm on has me thinking about every person that has walked this path before me. With every footprint there is a story, for ever story there is a tragedy, for every tragedy there is a dark hopeless soul.

Seeing my cold breath gets me thinking about how dark this night will is going to be. Sitting on a log covered in moss in the dark forest while the sun is slowly moving along behind the clouds making it come darker seconds sooner. Sitting there on the log letting every pure raindrop hit my face and a look in my eyes like there is hope in this life. Raindrops starting to fall harder as they turn evil upon impact onto my face. My eyes go colder and darker from each raindrop on me.

A loaded pistol in my lap and a bottle of holy water next to me. As I started to spread the holy water around me in a circle I kneel down and empty the bottle onto my face and the loaded pistol. As I light one candle in the middle of the circle I start to count until the candle goes out from the rain. As I count "1 ... 2... 3... 4.." and it goes out. That's how many people will be affected by what I'm about to do. As the holy water starts to mix in with the silent cold rain in the forest I lift the loaded pistol up in the air and let off a round.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Life is just a game and it will work itself out at the end

Day one of trying to get into better shape.

This morning when I woke up from a dead sleep I was thinking about how I was going to change my eating habits and what activities I will be doing out through out my day. As I walked towards the kitchen thinking about how am I going to change my eating .. WAIT, STOP! As my eyes move across the kitchen I see cookies just sitting on the counter. All thoughts about eating a little bit healthier just got deleted from my brain and was replaced with how can I make myself anymore fatter. These cookies were calling my name and that are just sitting there waiting for some loathsome human being to come along and gobble those cookies up like there is no tomorrow. I said to myself, "Well, if i only have a couple and a glass of milk then that will be my breakfast." So, as I went to the container with these fancy cookies with M&M's on top my eyes grow bigger and bigger until they literally explode. I hurried up and grabbed a couple cookies and a nice tall glass of refreshing milk to go with it and headed back to my room. As I sit down with my very healthy cookies and milk I gently started putting them in my mouth. Not giving a shit what were in those cookies or any of the results that will affect me.

About a hour later, I was sitting there with a bag full of self pity and thinking how weak I was eating those cookies the first 10 minutes of my morning. As the day continued I was doing stuff that would take my mind off junk food that I would eat when I get bored. To be honest, I did a pretty good job not wanting any junk food when I was "bored hungry." As my day went on I had a small snack just to keep me satisfied throughout my day. As It got around 5 o'clock in the evening I decided to cook some Alfredo up. Now I know Alfredo is seriously not the best thing I should be having right now. I thought to myself "If I just had a small portion of it then it will not be so dramatically fat for me" As I cooked and ate my Alfredo I felt a little good about my day. Eating smaller potions, not as much and not eating when I am bored.

Well, about a half an hour after my feeding time I decided to run up to this little sketchy wooden shelter that was up the road. This shelter seriously look like a perfect serial killer ground to slaughter his victims. I've never seen anyone there in my life but it never fails that I always find new stuff there. As I ran up the road and back to my house 4 times I was feeling pretty darn good about myself. In the first time in a very long time I am doing something active that I pushed myself into doing. As I run back and forth I started to get a little tired and called it a day. It was not a lot but it was plenty for the very first day of trying to getting in better shape. I headed back to my house and got into my shower to make the stench go away that was on me. It was not one of the worst smells I've produced in my life but surly it was not very pleasant. As I got out of the shower I hopped onto my laptop and told a couple people that I just got back from running and had a smile on my face because I was proud of myself. As the night grew darker, colder and silent my stomach started to talk. I knew perfectly what it was saying "Give me food you pathetic fat fuck you." I felt this way before when I've try ed to do this in the past. I decided to give in just a little bit and gave it a cookie. After that cookie I felt very weak. I try ed fighting my urge but it got the best of me and proved how weak I was. After that damn cookie I felt like i was very pathetic because I cant control this, and told myself "that is it!" no more food for tonight! Well, couple hours later my stomach once again started to talk. I now got very mad and wanted to know how I can stop this. I was just to say "Fuck this I'm done." and eat a burrito until a friend saved me and told me to go get a fruit out of the fridge. As I proceed to the fridge I found a very juicy orange that I broke open and sunk my teeth in. My urge has stopped. After that, I had a crazy idea. What if I ate a orange in the morning and one before I go to bed every night? I told myself I was going to proceed with this weight loss program I set up and to follow through eating fruits every day now.

As my punishment, tomorrow I will get up and have a big breakfast, pack a lunch and then go on a very long walk and work my breakfast off. Well most of it hopefully. Then I'll break for lunch which will be very very small, then head back home and work off my lunch. Then later that night I will have a very small dinner and a fruit. This sounds like a good idea to follow through with. I am going to be strong and not let this get the best of me. To be honest, I really don't look that fat at all. I am a little chubby looking but not that much really. I will admit I am very out of shape and will try my best to change this. I will report back tomorrow night and tell the very few readers how my day went and how I beat my urges.

- Jesse

Monday, April 26, 2010

I Will Not Let This Destroy Me, it's time to Change.

"Only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit" - Chuck Palahniuk

There have been a few different occasions where I found myself looking at the mirror and saying "what the hell are you doing Jesse" and tonight is one of those nights. Tonight, is a dark path for numbers in my life. I had a crazy idea tonight and went for it. My crazy idea was to go weigh myself for the first time in a very long time. I have been putting this off for a very long time now because of the fact of fear of what I weigh now. This is a personal record of mine I am not going to brag about. Weight has always been a paranoia of mine really, I remember in school I would always check my weight every morning and freak out if I gained a pound. I was so good about my weight in school, why was I? I don't really know. Probably because I cared about all that stuff. have I slipped since then? Sure, I think so. I have been overweight most of my life. I started to gain weight after my parents got divorced. Slowly but surely I gained weight. After my mom left my diet changed dramatically. From home cooked meals to frozen foods to microwave and easy access foods. I have kept this diet until now. Tonight was a wake up call about my weight saying "Jesse it's time to get off your lazy ass and make changes" and it really got to me. Do I think I look gross? Yeah I really think I do. Do people agree with me? No, they don't. I have set up a calorie program that fits my body and I and I have set goals. I hope I will conquer these. I have been weak most of my life and I really hope I can actually do this. If I can it will make my self esteem go up. I think I can do it, am I positive? No way in hell, but I'm always willing to give it my best.

There has been a lot of things that I want and need to change in my life. I have felt terrible about some things I've done the past few months and wish to change them and I am the only one that has the power to do so. I am not going to tell you what these changes are besides the weight but I can tell you that I am ashamed of all of them.

I am trying to put my life back in order and do more positive in my life then the negative. I have very few priorities but they are major. These priorities are, getting and keeping a full time job where I can make progress and work towards something I love, another priority is to spend as much time as I can with my family and friends. I am a pretty easy individual. I am willing to give most things a try and I am very open minded I believe despite what people may say.

These things that has brought shame to me have changed my ways of thinking. Am I glad I did these shameful acts? Yes, I am. It has shown me who I really am not and who I really am. I want to thank myself for doing these. I'm not saying I should have done them but they have showed me the path of some light in my life.

Some of you probably wonder why I added that quote in my blog, I think its appropriate, others may think otherwise.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

"You Would Do That"

Well, this will be my first time in my little life to blog. I have had friends blogged before and always loved reading them but never really thought about blogging myself until now.

The past few years I have had countless great weekends with one of my best friends Matt. We have had countless great times and memories through out our young lives really. I've known him for a good chunk of time now. We have made so many memories I can't remember all of them to be honest. Making memories with him have been great and I miss making them dearly. This weekend was the first time I've seen this dude in a while now for several different reasons, I just moved back to Glacier, WA from Vancouver, WA where i lived the past year almost, but before the year in Vancouver I was with my dad where I just moved back in with, but before moving to Vancouver I would see Matt few times out of a month on the weekends.


Anyways, this past weekend I decided to go visit my friend Matt for the weekend. I was expecting everything that what use to be, making memories, sitting around wasting our lives playing video games, drinking soda pop, eating junk food and talking about good old times that we've had. Friday late afternoon I was on my way to his dorm room located at western. I have to be honest, i was a little nervous but excited for the most part. Every mile that I have gone means one mile less to making new memories with this kid. The trip to his dorm seemed a life time really, not because I was really excited to see him, just because, well I don't really know why. Probably because it is a long drive most likely. As I got close I forgot how to get there and had to give him a call to see how I can get there, as I call I was thinking he has got to know so we are okay while being being confused on what roads to take. As he picks up I asked him the directions on how to get there. I told him the streets I was on and he did not know even though he knows downtown pretty good so how he didn't know? I don't really know, so I came up to "Indian" street where i was pretty sure to take left on. I asked him and he said yes. After I got on Indian street I knew the rest of my way so I got off the phone and I was preparing to see him.

As I got to his dorm I gave him a call and told him I was there so he can let me into his dorm. He came down and he greeted me with these exact words "At least you don't look like a fucking idiot" I chuckled and said "okay" as we got back to his room we decided to play pool and for him to give me a tour of the school until his dad picked us up about a hour later to head for his house in birch bay. About a few games of me kicking Matt's ass at pool and touring around his school his dad picked us up and headed out to birch bay.

We got to his house around 6 or so. While settling down in his house we put a pizza in the oven and watched some MMA on the DVR that he had recorded. The buzzer went off and then we both knew that we were about to sink our teeth in some pizza and cheese bread. After dinner we pulled up chairs and drinks and began to play Borderlands which was a new game he had bought days before seeing each other. We started a new game of "Borderlands" and was full of excitement not knowing how this game was going to turn out. After about a hour into Borderlands we had to go drop off Matt's dad off somewhere so we decided to get the new Mountain Dews that had been released. So we rushed to get the mountain dews and rushed home so we can continue playing borderlands. It was pretty rainy so that made me a little more happier because I love the rain no matter what. We played Borderlands a good four, fives hours I'm guessing. After the epic hours of Borderlands it got pretty late so we called it a night and went to bed and was excited for the next day of Borderlands.


I woke up to noise early Saturday morning while I lifted my head up to see where Matt was. As I went to look I saw that Matt has already gotten up and headed to the living room to watch some of his TV shows he DVR'ed the past week. I got ready for my day which consisted of, brushing my teeth and getting dressed. Much of getting ready huh? As I went into the living room the house was nicely cleaned for Matt's little sister's birthday party that they planned out this Saturday. Matt and I rushed to the xbox 360 and turned it on and played Borderlands for the first hour after getting kicked off to get ready for the party later that afternoon. As Matt and I sat on the couch while watching TV his family started to show. For some reason it is always really awkward when I'm around his family, ask me why? I'll say "I don't know" I've been around them for several times but I just can never understand why it's so awkward. While visiting with his family and enjoying the party Matt and I decided to go and play Frisbee, let me remind you that it has been raining for the past 24 hours so it is a tad bit wet outside. As we head outside and go in the back street to throw the Frisbee around and getting dirty from the puddles of water. I noticed that this has been the first time doing something active for god knows how long. I felt good and after about 45 minutes we headed back in for dinner. We ate dinner and I might add that it was fantastic. Matt's dad decided to put in the movie "Avatar" in the blu ray player for all of us to watch. "Avatar" was one of the gifts that Matt's sister got as a birthday present. I've seen it before in the theaters and I thought it was pretty good, but I did not feel like watching a three hour movie in a room that was full of people. I could hardly find a spot to sit and watch the movie so I asked Matt if he just wanted to cruise around birchbay. As we head for the car and to cruise around the birchbay we talked and enjoyed the time we have had so far. We got back and after about half an hour people started to leave. We we're both excited for people to leave so we can continue our journey in Borderlands that we've been waiting to play all damn day long. As the house got pretty empty we turned Borderlands on and continued to play. After a few hours of Borderlands we both got a little bored and headed to bed. I was a little sad because it was my last night there at the house and had to leave in the afternoon Sunday morning. So I got ready to bed and passed out pretty fast.


Sunday morning I woke up to my friend moving around in the room, what was he doing? I do not know but I think he was just leaving the room. As I got up and brushed my teeth and packed my stuff to head home I realized that this weekend has not disappointed to say the least. We made a couple new memories to add into the books and saw each other the first time in a while. As I was getting pretty sick and tired of my friends smart ass remarks I was thinking maybe this is not so bad leaving (laughing to myself.) Matt always makes smart ass remarks and says stuff that just wants to punch yourself in the face but you get use to it after a while I suppose. As we played Borderlands for the last time together for a bit before heading to meet my dad I was a little bummed out but happy at the same time.

As the drive to meet my dad I found myself cramped in the backseat with Matt and his little sister for a forty minute drive really. As I met my dad at the store I went in to try and find him. I found him and we both said our "Hello's" and talked about how my weekend went. He asked me if I wanted to get something to drink so I went over to the soft drink section and got some new mountain dews. Getting the new mountain dews felt food other then drinking them because I started this weekend off with drinking these new tasty beverages and now ending the weekend with these tasty new beverages. I enjoyed myself at Matt's, but a little glad to be back at home to continue my search for a job.

Friday, April 23, 2010

My upcoming blogs

I have been thinking about writing a autobiography and so I am going to write it and every week im going to post a peice from it, with along that. I'll be posting other blogs about things that have been on my mind. Writting is a stress relief and god knows I have a lot of that to release.