"Only through destroying myself can I discover the greater power of my spirit" - Chuck Palahniuk
There have been a few different occasions where I found myself looking at the mirror and saying "what the hell are you doing Jesse" and tonight is one of those nights. Tonight, is a dark path for numbers in my life. I had a crazy idea tonight and went for it. My crazy idea was to go weigh myself for the first time in a very long time. I have been putting this off for a very long time now because of the fact of fear of what I weigh now. This is a personal record of mine I am not going to brag about. Weight has always been a paranoia of mine really, I remember in school I would always check my weight every morning and freak out if I gained a pound. I was so good about my weight in school, why was I? I don't really know. Probably because I cared about all that stuff. have I slipped since then? Sure, I think so. I have been overweight most of my life. I started to gain weight after my parents got divorced. Slowly but surely I gained weight. After my mom left my diet changed dramatically. From home cooked meals to frozen foods to microwave and easy access foods. I have kept this diet until now. Tonight was a wake up call about my weight saying "Jesse it's time to get off your lazy ass and make changes" and it really got to me. Do I think I look gross? Yeah I really think I do. Do people agree with me? No, they don't. I have set up a calorie program that fits my body and I and I have set goals. I hope I will conquer these. I have been weak most of my life and I really hope I can actually do this. If I can it will make my self esteem go up. I think I can do it, am I positive? No way in hell, but I'm always willing to give it my best.
There has been a lot of things that I want and need to change in my life. I have felt terrible about some things I've done the past few months and wish to change them and I am the only one that has the power to do so. I am not going to tell you what these changes are besides the weight but I can tell you that I am ashamed of all of them.
I am trying to put my life back in order and do more positive in my life then the negative. I have very few priorities but they are major. These priorities are, getting and keeping a full time job where I can make progress and work towards something I love, another priority is to spend as much time as I can with my family and friends. I am a pretty easy individual. I am willing to give most things a try and I am very open minded I believe despite what people may say.
These things that has brought shame to me have changed my ways of thinking. Am I glad I did these shameful acts? Yes, I am. It has shown me who I really am not and who I really am. I want to thank myself for doing these. I'm not saying I should have done them but they have showed me the path of some light in my life.
Some of you probably wonder why I added that quote in my blog, I think its appropriate, others may think otherwise.