Monday, May 31, 2010


Love is a very powerful emotion. It is the best experience you can have with another person. A lot are not so lucky to experience this and I feel loathsome about it. I on the other hand is very lucky to experience this. Matter of fact. I am literally the luckiest person to experience this because the person I am experiencing this with is my guardian angel. She has saved me from the world and from myself. She is everything to me, she is my life, my world, my everything. I would not think twice about risking my life for her in order for her to live a great one.

I believe she is my soul mate, I know she is my soul mate. The first time I laid my eyes upon her stunning face I knew that this girl was a very very very special girl. I knew that we would last forever. How do I know? I don't, the human body is very strange and when you know you just know. I now know there is "Love at first sight" I would imagine that most of you would not believe that but when you see someone and you know that is the one, then you will believe it.

She is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Literaly, she has turned all the negative feelings into possitive ones. She has turned the ugly into the beauty, she has turned the dark into the light. There are no words to describe the feeling I get when I wake up to her beautiful face laying next to mine. It's one of the greatest experience you could ever go through. Seeing her face every morning tells me it's going to be a great day. There is no words that I can describe the feeling I get knowing that we are together forever.

I know she is the love of my life, I know she is my soul mate. How do I know this? I'll tell you. We balance each other out and I love that, when we have a argument we always still tell each other we love each other and we kiss each other even though we are having dissagrements. I believe that is true love, if you can show your partner you still love them in a argument then that is true love I say.

We have been having this issue for a while now. You might have heard of it, its called "Trust" and this is a big issue for both of my love one and I. She trusts me and I feel amazing that she does. I know she loves me and I know she knows I would never do anything to hurt her and I am proud to say she trusts me. I on the other hand have not been so giving so much on the trusts. First, let me say that she diserves my trust 110% and she has done nothing to not earn my trust. To be honest, I really don't have a reason or a excuse. I have a very small percentage stoping me but that is just about 2% out of that 110. It is long gone and I am over it, and it was understandable. I think the reason that I don't give her my trust is because I am afraid to lose her. I am afraid she is going to meet someone better. I know she loves me and I honestly believe she would never do that to me, but it is just a crazy thought. I believe thats what it is from giving her my trust. Am I 100% sure? no, but I'm pretty sure. Like I said she diserves all my trust and I feel terrible knowing that I have not given it to her. It hurts her, It hurts me! So, from this day foward I need to put down my guard, put down my security blanket and give her all the trust that Is in me. She diserves it, she has done nothing to betray it. I know it's going to be a very long hard road but I have to do it to keep this relationship alive.

I would do anything for my loved one and she has made my life heaven. I love her very much and would take a bullet for her. I would not think twice about risking my life in order for her to live hers. She is my world and I am going to love her day in and day out every second of my life.

I feel terrible because today was supposed to be our day together. She told me the other day that monday was going to be our special day. Meaning spending real time with each other. That meant a lot, it acutally meant the world to me. Because of my trust issues and not giving her the trust she diserves we got into a argument and it ruined our special day. I feel like the scum of the earth knowing I ruined our day. This day was going to mean a lot to me and I ruined it. I can't tell you how many tears I have shed. I feel terrible and would like to work everything out with her when I see her. When she smiles I smile, when shes happy I'm happy. I love when she smiles it's one of the most beautiful sights you could ever witness. I love her and I'm very excited for our future.

To the love one I have been talking about

- I am sorry for everything, the trust issues and everything. I never knew the trust issue hurt you that much. I feel like the scum of the earth knowing I ruined our day and made a argument. I love you to death and I know we can work it out because we are two strong people and can get through anything with each other. I'm always going to be beside you holding your hand facing your problems with you. I am always here for you no matter what and will always love you. I know we can work this out like everything else have passed us. I love you and I am very deeply sorry from my heart. You have all my trust now I promise. You have done nothing to betray it and you diserve all of it. I miss you terribly and I hope to see you soon.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

To be a Douche or not to be a Douche

I've been wanting to say my thoughts on these couple topics. I have not blogged in a while so this is a new one.

The first topic I would like to discuss is why do people sag their pants?

I can say "guilty as charge" back in middle school for just a small chunk of time. When I did it I thought I was a bad ass because that was the fashion, to "sag" your pants. When I did this idiotic thing I was listening to rap and hip-hop and thought I was a "gangster" I wish someone could have told me how ridiculous I was in middle school because I see people now and have been and thinking "Why the hell do you do that?" Really, what is the point? If anything it makes your day pretty rough when you have to put up your pants every 5 seconds. To be honest I really did not know why I was doing this in middle school, like I said it was just the "Cool" thing to do. Back then I cared what people thought of me and wanted to be in the "cool" crowd. Now, I don't really give a shit who thinks what about me. I think people that "sag" their pants should either wear a belt or suspenders, OR don't even wear pants at all. I mean really, what's the point? I really don't want to see your ass or your underwear. There is a reason why underwear is called underwear and not outer wear. It is a very ridiculous and Gross habit. There is no benefit sagging your pants. You do not look cool, you look like a damn fool. Oh, I forgot to mention did I forget to say that "sagging" your pants originated in prison? Yeah, Inmates would "sag" their pants when they are open for anal sex. So for all these kids now that "sag" their pants. I think you should all get butt fucked so hard that the semen will be backed up so much in you that you will O.D. on it.

Moving on to the second issue that bugs me. Social networks these days are pretty ridiculous. It is mostly meeting new friends but for the most part it's full of flirting. People flirt with people cross the country and they don't even know who they are really talking to are saying the most sexual things. That does not bug me though. The thing that does bug me is guys taking pictures with themselves with their shirt off showing their muscles and using that as a display picture. There are several different reasons why I get so pissed off at these kids. I laugh also but mostly annoyed. Okay, dude I know you work out but can you put a fucking shirt on and not show off how many pounds you can lift? You're trying to impress the ladies on social networks. Why can't you go to some clubs and hit up some girls if you think you're all that then going onto myspace putting up a sweaty picture of you with your shirt off flexing your muscles and trying to find the ladies. I think it's freaking stupid, every time I see that I laugh and think they're the biggest douches ever, about 90% of the male population on myspace has their naked top half of them on their page. A lot of girls don't even like muscles so I still think it's funny. If you think you're a bad ass well.. you are not my friend. You are just another case of douche in my book

Monday, May 10, 2010

The wake of day.

Sitting in my car on a clear day, wondering when she is coming down from her apartment room. Spinning the chamber, looking at the 22. rounds spinning one after another. I take the 22. rounds out of the chamber and start to engrave her name on the 22. rounds one by one.

Staring at her window on the top floor. Wishing she could look out and see my car and have someone notice that I'm alive. I see no sign of life in the window to her apartment. Maybe it was because the thoughts I was having was actually are real.

As I wiped the blood off my hands, put the duck tape in the back seat and the looked around me making sure no one just saw.

I started to cry, knowing what I just did made me loathsome. I made her mine for eternity. As I wiped my tears with a piece of her shirt that I ripped off in the process of making her mine. I had to go take a double check and make sure there was no life in that room. I got out of my car and ran over to the old rugged apartment building.

I open the door and started to began the journey of darkness climbing up the stairs. I fear that there was life in the room which I can not stop the communication between her and the people that called themselves "City officials" I got to her room and I suddenly got the chills. I can feel the frostbit temperatures from the other side of the door.

I feared for my life that she was taking slow suffering breaths. I opened the door to make sure there was no breaths for her to take anymore. As I saw the blood trail I left from the first time I was here. I went into the door where I saw her body crucified to her wall. Blood was dripping from the walls, I was pleased of what I have done now. There was no more breaths to take and my paranoia was gone. Looking at her lifeless body tacked to the wall like a piece of artwork of mine. As I press my cheek up to her stomach I listen for any life left in her. After seconds I did not hear anything that I need to worry about. I pull out my digital camera and take a snap shot of the masterpiece. I leave a note at the bottom of her feet that said "God please forgive me"

I left the building knowing that she will be mine for eternity, with a smile on my face I started to whistle and acted like nothing had happen. There was a kid on the park bench beside my car and watched the whole thing. He asked what have I done. I answered with "I made something beautiful, this is art."

The Light is coming back.

My whole life I have suffered from a case of depression. There has always been darkness in my life and I hate it. Right now this moment of life there is barley any darkness. I have everything I want besides one thing really, and that is a job. I have friends and family that supports and loves me. I have the perfect people in my life that have my back.

Before I met my lovely girlfriend, Jennifer. I was not motivated to do nothing. I could care less if I got a job or not. All day I sat in my room messing around having no care in the world whats so ever. Then one day God sent me a gift. She is short, with blonde / brown hair, beautiful and the most perfect present I could ever ask for. Her name was Jennifer. I believe she is going to be the one who saved my life.

I met Jennifer and soon as I met her I knew this girl is way different. Of course we have issues that we are currently working on, and some family issues I wont go into, but Jennifer is what I believe going to save my life and is a gift from god. I have known Jennifer for close to a year now and I loved every second of it. We have been dating for about 6 months now and I have plans for us in the future. When I met Jennifer I knew that she is going to be the one that will always be in my life. I have feelings that I will love her to the day I die. We always talk about the future and what it has in store for us.

Because of Jennifer, I now want a good paying job. I now want to get my life straighten out. Because of Jennifer, I now love my life and everything in it. Jennifer has taken the darkness away from my life and replaced it with her beauty and her light. I am currently looking for a great paying job that I can start a base for Jennifer's and I's future. Yeah we have a lot of growing up to do but I am very excited to get a decent paycheck every couple weeks and putting it in the bank to save up for the future with her. This is a big surprise for me, I would never want to do this before I met Jennifer, I would want to blow all my money on Music and other wants. I am very lucky to have her in my life and would do anything for this young beautiful woman.

The point to this blog is that I am very grateful to have Jennifer in my life, she is the best thing that has ever happened to me. She is what I believe is a gift from god that has turned my life into the better direction. I love you Jennifer and I am very excited to hold your hands and walk into the future with you and spend my life with you. I love you Jennifer and I love all my friends and family that support me. I thank god all the time for this gift that has blessed me with.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

A Stress Relief

Since as far as I can remember I have been literaly inlove with music. Didn't matter what genre it was. I have been through a lot of genres of muisc and pretty sure I landed on a few that I will listen to most of my life. I've listen to a lot of different kinds of music. Rock, rap, hip hop, metal, oldies, punk, hardcore. A lot are sub genres but they all give me pleasure listening to them. I no listen to mostly metal and hardcore / punk now, I do listen to hip hop and rap but most of everything would be considered "oldschool" and some recent stuff.

The main thing is that I love experiencing live music and enjoy listening and finding new artists and genres. Another thing I get out of it that is almost up there with pleasure is it is a stress relief. I listen to music whenever I can. Does not matter when I'm happy, depressed, sad or any other emotions. A lot of people are sterotypical about the metal genre. Either its satan speaking to you or angry people screaming out their problems at us and any other sterotypical bullshit. Metal is a pleasure and a stress reliever. Well, all music is for pleasure and a stress reliever. I listen to different genres of music for different emotions, like for a example. When I am very angry I listen to "Today is the Day, Pig Destroyer," and other bands. When I am sad or depressed I listen to "Elliott Smith, Sunny Day Real Esate, Death Cab for Cutie" and other bands.

Does not matter what genre it is or what you think it is all I can say its a stress reliever to me. I have been mainly listening to Black Metal and Hardcore / punk. I love atmosphereic black metal, I think it is very peacefull (and evil), dark, calm (not so calm). It's probably not everyone cups of tea, perhaps, I think it's probably most of all peoples not cup of tea but I love it and that is all it matters. Hardcore and punk is the other music of choice I listen to most of the time.

I love most of all genres of music, I think I am listen to a wide range of music. If you want to check out some bands that I love to listen to look below.

Today is the Day - Angry
Pig Destroyer - Angry
Elliott Smith - Sad / depressed
Sunny Day Real Estate - Sad / depressed
Behemoth - All around moods
Himsa - All around moods
Thursday - Relaxing

Pooh Bear

There is no words to descibe the feeling I get every time I see you smile.

When I say you're beautiful, well that is a for sure understatement.

You make my life better by each day.

I'm flabbergasted I can call you mine.

I will always be here for you through the best and the worse.

I would be lying to you if I said I could fix all your problems, but I will be right beside you holding your hand through all your conflicts and troubles and I will help you through them.

I want to give you the best life I can give you.

I love you

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Life sucks, I can not find a job for the life of me. I have been trying to find a part time-full time job for a very long time now. I do not know what to do now. I feel like a ghost, I don't have a lot of family but the family I do have I love. I am not asking for pitty one bit, I just need to vent at times. I really don't have a lot of people to talk to or else I would not vent to probably no one that reads these so really, I'm venting to myself. Atleast I'm talking right?


Today I woke up to a pile of girl stuff montained ontop of me. Everything you would think was on me, clothes, music, make up, perfumes and deordiants were scattered across me. I woke up to my girlfriend rearanging her furniture in her bedroom. As I woke up, went to the bathroom and got a little something to eat I was thinking how she was going to move everything since her bedroom is as the size of a closet ... literaly. Not much room to move yourself really. She does not have a lot of furnitre really its just the furniture she does have are gigantic. As we start moving all her stuff around I remembered that I needed to look for caregiving jobs around bellingham and lyden where I could get a position with. I've done the caregiving gig before and It was pretty bad but It pays good money if you go through the right path. I have had experience before and think I can go somewhere in the career. I will always have job security because lets face it. There will always be old people galore everywhere. So I went online and found only 2 places out of probably 7 that were looking for my kind of people. As I look for work she continues to clean her room and is about finished with it. As we both get done with our tasks we lay on her bed and hang out for a bit.

Now, I've got to say. We are both in really weird moods today. I seem like I do everything wrong and tend to annoy and or bother her. She on the other hand I see getting ticked off from everything I am doing. I love her to death and I hope we can continue the rest of our day in peace and can spend time with each other, I love spending time with her without any of our electronics get in the way but I understand that she does like to spend time on her laptop, zune, cell and I need to accept that. I guess I'm the type of person that loves to spend time with someone that doesint include electronics. I believe that is not spending time with each other. I need to accept that she wants to be on her laptop, zune, cell ect and need to get overmyself. I love spending time with her, she makes me feel incredible and I know people are upset about us for reasons I wont go into but that is not going to stop it.

We are now sitting infront of our laptops doing our own things. I am trying to get overmyself. She needs to do what she wants, but I would rather spend this time with her in another way, watching a movie, just hanging out talking, going for a walk, ect. But none the less I love her to death and I am trying to work out several different issues I have.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

The Light is Fading.

I feel that god put everyone on this earth for a reason. Does not matter how good or evil you are god still put you on this earth for a reason. If you tend to do evil things its balancing out the good on the earth. I feel that god put me on earth to take every ones stress away. I feel like a human stress ball. I feel unimportant to everyone. My whole life it seems like when someone is having a bad day or just in a pissed off mood then I shall come and you can let all your anger out on me. I don't stick up for myself, I stick up for the ones that I love and other souls that do not stick up for themselves. If I died tomorrow I think it would affect everyone for the worse, now I'm not saying that if I died that everyone be so depressed over my death. I feel that if I passed there would be no more human stress ball and so people would not have anyone to let their anger out and they would end up in a worse position then they were. I don't have a lot of family, I don't have a lot of friends but the few family and friends I do have I appreciate. I feel like my opinion is always last and I am always the wrong one. I feel like the black sheep of everything. I am the peace maker, I hate to argue and fight. It seems that is my whole life. I know I am young and do not know a lot but I feel that you do not need to put me down when I do not know the right things. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life I wish I can take back. I have a lot of maturing up to do. I am scared to death of life and hope I don't have to go through the long dark road alone. Do you feel better when you let your anger and stress on me? If it does then I am more then happy to make you feel better and being there to take it out on. Venting or just yelling at me, does not matter to me as long as you are feeling better about yourself. I am trying to put my life back in order. I did clear debt up today which I was proud of because I wanted to spend my money on other things but I thought debt was more important. That was probably one of the most proudest moments of my life. I know it sounds lame but, I have not done a lot of good in my young life. As I was feeling proud of myself it seemed like no one else was proud for me. Am I just being ridiculous about being proud of myself? Probably. Maybe I should face facts and continue life knowing I will be most likley the black sheep and the human stress ball as well as not very important. God please forgive me for everything.